You are gay? You can't sing here

Concerts by gay singers are banned in Malaysia. For example the authority protested Elton John's concert in Malaysia scheduled on 22 Nov 2011. Why?  i don't need to mention who exactly are them, but anyway according to them:

“Although Elton John is not going to call on Malaysians to copy his gay lifestyle, the acknowledgement given to him will only motivate the gay culture in Malaysia, which is fast becoming rampant.”

"Any artiste who is proven to be a gay will come under the ban. We do not want to encourage any form of homosexuality in our society,"

"The authorities are aware that the culture of hedonism or excessive and extreme entertainment is spreading swiftly, like poison, among young Muslims." 

"It is this culture such as free intermingling, drinking, adultery and illegitimate children - that often damages a society and causes people to neglect their responsibilities to their religion. This is made worse by the practise of homosexuality."

Anyway, despite all the protests, the legendary singer was still able to run his concert in Genting Highland and actually putting a big grin in the picture.

On Transgender

It is hard to be gay or lesbian, but it can be harder to be transgender.

The beginning of transgender is the emotional realization of conflict between tangible (body) and intangible ( emotion, soul, mind) of a person. The confusion leads to self hatred. Meaning, inner turmoil is a major part of people who want to be a person of opposite gender.

Transgender is a more taboo issue compared to gay, lesbian and bisexual. The tendency and one's effort of becoming who they think they should be is not well accepted by public. I am surprise to see majority of people in public acted like they care about one's personal life.

In fact, my ex roommate was once a boy, but now he is a woman (women with a penis, because i don't think he had the surgery yet. I know he wanted to, but maybe he's scared). A beautiful woman i might add, but not a complete transgender.. and yeah, He likes boys too although our preferred type of boy are totally different. He likes muscular, manly looking guy, like a gangster, thug or something like that. I like innocent, boyish, cute looking boy with interesting personality. We were roommate when we was in our freshman year. He has tonnes of makeup set, and was actually good at using them- on other people and on himself. He provided makeup service for those who needs his service. I never had any problem with his tendency to try to look like a girl. Not at all. I didn't have a reason to.

Regardless of who you want to be, so be it. Don't let others define what you need to be. You live your own life, not theirs. Your life is yours and no one should take it from you. The bullies will exist anyhow, telling you to kill yourself and so forth. Bullies are feeling insecure themselves, or trying to act religious. No matter how religious they think they are, one thing that i can be sure of is that they are definitely not a good person as they are actually trying to destroy a person's life. Not only a person's life, but a person's soul and self esteem.

I dont have to be transgender to be supportive towards transgender against all kind of hate and discrimination. i am perfectly happy to be a boy, and if i get to choose my gender, i will definitely choose to be a boy.

live with love.

Ignorance Questions part 1

Ignorance questions are basically questions that ignorance people always ask to people like me. "Part 1" indicates that there will be more questions in the future. well, i don't have my part 2 yet for now but i am very sure there will be, soon. maybe part 3, 4, 5, 6 and so on will follow after that. ignorance questions or statements are because of several factors: ignorance, lack of understanding, common sense and basic knowledge or mere stupidity. If a person asks you these questions or saying these things to you, a good, solid facepalm is good way to start- before you actually answer their question. the order of the questions does not indicate the significance of the question itself, it merely means the question popped first in my mind.

1. Why do you chose to be gay?
Now, let me ask you, would you choose to live a miserable, discreet, unhappy, dejected life (because of the homophobic)? why do you want to throw away the prospect of living in a happy family with your wife and kids of your own? why would you choose to have so many people hating and make fun of you? why would you take the risk of being disown by your own family, friends and society? why would you choose to have people telling you that you have sinned and will definitely going to hell regardless of all the other goodness you are doing? Why would i trouble myself to write this blog? Do we get to choose your sexuality? even in The Sims, the sims themselves don't decide their sexuality- the player decide it all. if you know what i mean. anyway, when did the heterosexuals chose to be heterosexual?

2. GUY: "so you are attracted to me?"
If a guy asks me this question, they have to ask themselves if they are attracted to all the females in the world? well, my elder brother asked me this. he maybe disgusted by my sexuality but i am sure that i was more disgusted by this question he asked me. so, let me get this straight. being gay doesn't mean I want every guy's dick and want to have sex with all of them. especially not my own brother. that's incest (i am sure we have heard a lot of straight people doing it. it's in the news everyday).

3. You can get AIDS and die for being gay, you know?
Everyone saying this deserve the virus themselves. OK, I'm just angry. no one should have the disease. Anyway, there are several ways for HIV to spread. I pray that anyone asking this question know what is AIDS. and of course, heterosexuals, and even virgins are vulnerable to this disease. Do the world a favor and read! Internet is not just for you to say nasty things to gay people online or watch your porn.

4. Do you know that you are going to hell for being gay?
Really? Why? because i am sinning for being gay? Fine. You asked for it, lets talk about sin. Don't ever forget that sin is actually a bad thing. literally. so what are the examples of bad thing? Hatred, discrimination, prejudice, bullying... sound familiar? all religions ask us to love, even our enemies (in case you have already forgotten). verses about love in Bible, for example, exceed verses about anything else. what does this implies to you? when you impose hate, uttering hate speech, bullying, every time you do that, you destroy a part of a person's soul, and self esteem. Young people, teen and preteen are very fragile. exposure to continuous bullying, discrimination and prejudice is hurtful. the pain will slowly accumulated in a person's heart and it causes tremendous stress- and worst, suicide. when a person killed himself because of the hate speech you utter, you are the killer. don't tell me that killing a person is not a sin. it's probably one of the biggest sins. it kills me to see people killed himself because of bullying.

I am already skeptical whether you really understand your scripture or just saying what others are saying. Did anyone told you that God creations are beautiful as they are and that He loves all people without the slightest of any kind of discrimination? you may now feel free to realize that you are sinning, but that is not all because are you sure that you are not making any other sins in your daily life until your death? just because you sin differently from me doesn't give you the right to tell me that i am going to hell. (oh, in case you have forgotten, judging someone is also a sin). That said, shall we go to hell together?

Coming out to brothers

I am the second child in the family. I have 3 brothers of uniquely distinctive personality (and appearance).  i don't even think we resemble each other... in terms of look and personality.

My elder brother is 3 years older than me. He is a model professional, with a successful career. He is one of the leaders in the church, so yeah, he is a very religious one. my other bro (next after me) has a very mysterious and timid nature. he doesn't talk much. in your class during your school year, there was always a guy who sits at the corner, someone who barely talk. well, he's that guy. My younger brother is rather out going and carefree but despite the overly carefree nature, he is a loving boy. he is 10 years younger than me.

I first accidentally came out to my two younger brothers. it wasn't my intention. well, apparently my younger brother secretly opened and explored my laptop. well, as natural tendency speaks, a guy has his own collection of, you know, boy stuffs. i know what you are thinking right now but that's not it. it's basically a gay themed anime- that is- boy to boy love with no explicit content or whatsoever. so anyway, he found that out. he correctly guessed my laptop password, which was very easy to guess- my first name. my goodness, i didn't know how to react- angry at him because he log on to my computer without asking for permission, running away, or what? anyway, i acted cool. he was like "Eeee.. You Gay! Go away! Go!!" i was denying and all trying to be funny at the same time, as if it was some kind of joke.

We were quite cool after that, although he sometimes called me gay and stuffs. that aside, we get along like usual.

Well, about my older brother. it was a slightly long story. earlier on that day my mom was talking about having daughter in laws and asked if we (me and my elder bro) have a girlfriend. I told her my elder bro probably has and i told her i would probably never get married. she laughed real hard hearing that- that i said i don't want to get married. i was definitely sure that she had no idea what i was trying to tell her, but never mind. i had no idea what was on her mind. what i am certain about is she has no idea at all about me. she has keen eyes but at the same time, clueless mind.

Later on the same day i texted my brother via iMessage (decided not to use facetime this time like we always did) about how my mom was curious about his girlfriend. the conversation dragged on with all the teasing.. so i told him that i would probably never get married, he asked me why. That moment i decided that i want to tell him and i am ready to do that.  eventually i told him that i like boys.

Like any religious person would react, he doesn't like the idea and think it is a sin. he basically asking me to change. He said maybe it's temporary and all and i should not be...what i am. i was not surprised by his reaction. i know him well enough to predict what he wanted to say. then i was bombarded with tonnes of typical questions- like since when i noticed and he said i liked girls before. i told him i knew since the beginning of time and it gets clearer when i entered puberty, and now i am 23. I said that all the stories i told him about the girls are all stories to cover myself up, and i never interested in them. I was a writer and i have some experiences to create stories and make them sound real. *duh*.

He even suggested me to consult a psychiatrist to change me- which i think the idea is cute and funny at the same time. if only he knows that psychological associations all around the world agreed that homosexuality is not a mental disorder or illness and that attempts to change one's orientation cause serious harm. he eventually gave up trying to get me to a psychologist or psychiatrist. he talked using his trademark formal sounded voice and acted as if he knows anything about psychology (he is an audiologist, i am the one who actually studied psychology.. *cough*).

He then proceed with asking about my future plan- of whether i want to stay single or get myself a partner. I don't like this question, because it sounded like only heterosexuals deserve to be happily living together with loved one. but I made it clear to him that i don't have a boyfriend at the moment and never actually had one.

He talked about God for quite a long time until it was very late and eventually he told me he wanted to get some rest. so, that was the end of our long conversation. until now, after that incident, we never talked. it definitely sound awkward now if we talk, but i guess the awkwardness will subsided somehow, someday, maybe.

First (and second) coming out story

it took me 23 years to realize that the sky is blue as everyone sees it.

whether or not you are out and proud, or still in your closet of self denial, whether or not you think coming out is important or otherwise. some people might just want to find a partner for a quickie or a one night stand. I am fine with it, but let me make this clear to everybody. we are here because we have something in common.

let me get to the surface of the story first. my parents are homophobic and i know that without them telling me. they keep on dreaming about me getting married one day and have family of my own. my mom love to imagine herself playing with her grandkids and how she would treat my future wife. i am the gem of the family and it is pretty obvious. it's heartbreaking to hear them saying that, afraid that things might be different from the way it is now and that they will hate me for being me. i have to admit i hated being who i am. living years and years of self denial and self punishment. telling myself that one day when i wake up i will be just like most boys are, or what boys supposed to be. i lived in a self-created illusion that i like girls, and that i will live my parents' dream.

that was just the beginning. i tried to change myself, i tried counselling, hypnosis, religious talks, enforce negative reinforcement on myself and whatnot. not only that i stayed the same but i felt my soul is broken day by day by infinite amount of self-induced punishment. i was completely lost and broken.

until recently i have thought about what i am doing all this while. for whom i was sacrficing myself? i realize that i sacrificed myself entirely for myself, not for my parents and not for anyone else. i wanted to change because i want their love desperately. i did this for myself, and what did i get so far? self hatred, instead of love. slowly but painfully i started to embrace myself, knowing that God's creation are beautiful and he made everything for a purpose. i decided to put an end to my self denial.

well, i truly understand that i need to coming in first, that is accepting and recognizing who i am, before coming out. i feel i am ready.  wasn't my intention, but i did came out to my best friend (a she) last few weeks after gaining enough courage and self belief. she was pretty cool with it, although she thinks that i can choose to be straight, and that one day she believe one girl will do the magic and make me straight. well, i can't blame her for that. i know she wants to believe that i am a straight, i mean, i have all the attributes as a boy.  so, maybe it was hard for her knowing the truth. i always share with her about the girls who had a crush on me.. well, there were actually quite a number of girls flirting with me, asked me to be their boyfriend and all. sometimes i felt my girl-students staring at me passionately while i am teaching in class. i felt sorry although i was not sure if i am sorry for them or for myself.

this is only the first step. it went surprising well, maybe because she is already awesome as a person. But anyway, living in a homophobic community is harder that it sounds but i choose to be strong, because being strong is something i can actually choose to do. To do that, i need support. 

after a few days, i told my another best friend (also a she). She lives far away from me, literally across the sea, so we talked through Skype. We usually will talk about anything freely but this time i was very nervous. so i told her i like boys. i couldn't believe what i heard next-she said she knew since the very beginning and that she always knew. i felt like being struck by lightning. perhaps my straight-act doesn't work for her. I think she has this special gift of understanding people. truly amazing. she was extremely acceptance and understanding and she was completely ok with me being me.  couldn't asked for a better response.

no more elephant on my shoulder, so i can raise my head, look up and see the beautiful sky above me. i am kidding- it's raining now so i cant really see the sky. but i will. i believe it.

A little bit about me

I think the info section is not enough for me to write about myself.

First of all this blog is written in English. Although English is regarded as universal language, it is actually my fourth language, so excuse my language. I'll try my best to write as understandable as possible.

I am 23, and yes, i am a guy. i have to carefully think about what to write in here so that it wont be overlapped with my coming out story which i will post later.

I was never being bullied at school. Probably because no one ever knew about who i really am back then in school. I didn't even get bullied by any other reasons, probably because i was on the top of the social food chain. i was at the top of the status quo, being president of student council and science club, joined karate club and all sort of other clubs. All that, plus excellent academic performance, is what asian community asking for. if you have it, you are somehow invincible and of course, no one will ever bully you.

No one ever suspected that i was different from other boys. I look like a boy but perhaps a bit younger looking than my age suggests, i do sport (I play tennis now instead of karate), I like football more than my dad does (My dad was a local footballer before he joined armed forces), I like cars (who wouldn't), I like computer games especially Football Manager, and I like all sort of thing you think a guy would probably likes except.. you know.. girl. Well, i like art too. I write short stories and i have 100 over of poems both published and unpublished, i play guitar (although i am not very good at it), and occasionally sing in public upon request. I love to cook and invent my own recipes. Lastly, if i am feeling super duper bored then i will paint- using watercolor and my fingers as the brush.

So that's basically it. perhaps i will write more about myself later.

Forewords

This blog is dedicated for posting about LGBT issues. This blog is named "The land full of hatred" for a reason. I live in a society where you have to conform to all the society norms. a place where you can't be different, or think differently than the rest of the people. Extremely narrow minded and headstrong community i would say. LGBT is a major taboo that people are not supposed to talk about it. being LGBT is like an unforgivable sin and should be hated and shunned. they are outcasts that need to be demolished completely from the country.

You see, by writing this blog, i am exposing myself to hate speeches, and bullying. but i want to do my part of creating at least a tiny bit of awareness and help those people who are struggling themselves because of this issue. i want to say that there are people care and stand by you. i have no idea how people will respond to this blog and i have no idea whether people will read this blog.

The basis is that LGBT is regarded as a unnatural and unhealthy lifestyle and nothing more. My society has no idea about the existence of the thing called sexual orientation. If you are a male and you have to be with female, or vice versa.  There is no other choice. Not because they don't know about it, but it is more to ignorance and refusal to accept mentality change. So, if you are LGBT, you made a choice of having an undesirable lifestyle and you should be punished and hated. You are a disgrace and for the society and you have violate the moral values and religious beliefs. You have sinned and people should stay away from you because you have the tendency to drag other people to become like you and live this unhealthy 'lifestyle'. Any attempt in helping LGBT community are heavily criticized, and worst, banned.

Basically what i am doing in this blog is absolutely unacceptable. You see, first, i am not supposed to talk about this, second, i am not supposed to promote LGBT awareness, third, i am not supposed to help LGBT community in any ways, and last but not least, i am not supposed to be a homosexual. So, from the eye of the society, i should be punished, kicked out from college and whatnot.

In short, any negative thoughts you can relate to LGBT community, my society has all of them. Living in this ridiculous society is ridiculously stressing, and this is why this blog exists. Some people put their frustration into words. Well, know i do.