First (and second) coming out story

it took me 23 years to realize that the sky is blue as everyone sees it.

whether or not you are out and proud, or still in your closet of self denial, whether or not you think coming out is important or otherwise. some people might just want to find a partner for a quickie or a one night stand. I am fine with it, but let me make this clear to everybody. we are here because we have something in common.

let me get to the surface of the story first. my parents are homophobic and i know that without them telling me. they keep on dreaming about me getting married one day and have family of my own. my mom love to imagine herself playing with her grandkids and how she would treat my future wife. i am the gem of the family and it is pretty obvious. it's heartbreaking to hear them saying that, afraid that things might be different from the way it is now and that they will hate me for being me. i have to admit i hated being who i am. living years and years of self denial and self punishment. telling myself that one day when i wake up i will be just like most boys are, or what boys supposed to be. i lived in a self-created illusion that i like girls, and that i will live my parents' dream.

that was just the beginning. i tried to change myself, i tried counselling, hypnosis, religious talks, enforce negative reinforcement on myself and whatnot. not only that i stayed the same but i felt my soul is broken day by day by infinite amount of self-induced punishment. i was completely lost and broken.

until recently i have thought about what i am doing all this while. for whom i was sacrficing myself? i realize that i sacrificed myself entirely for myself, not for my parents and not for anyone else. i wanted to change because i want their love desperately. i did this for myself, and what did i get so far? self hatred, instead of love. slowly but painfully i started to embrace myself, knowing that God's creation are beautiful and he made everything for a purpose. i decided to put an end to my self denial.

well, i truly understand that i need to coming in first, that is accepting and recognizing who i am, before coming out. i feel i am ready.  wasn't my intention, but i did came out to my best friend (a she) last few weeks after gaining enough courage and self belief. she was pretty cool with it, although she thinks that i can choose to be straight, and that one day she believe one girl will do the magic and make me straight. well, i can't blame her for that. i know she wants to believe that i am a straight, i mean, i have all the attributes as a boy.  so, maybe it was hard for her knowing the truth. i always share with her about the girls who had a crush on me.. well, there were actually quite a number of girls flirting with me, asked me to be their boyfriend and all. sometimes i felt my girl-students staring at me passionately while i am teaching in class. i felt sorry although i was not sure if i am sorry for them or for myself.

this is only the first step. it went surprising well, maybe because she is already awesome as a person. But anyway, living in a homophobic community is harder that it sounds but i choose to be strong, because being strong is something i can actually choose to do. To do that, i need support. 

after a few days, i told my another best friend (also a she). She lives far away from me, literally across the sea, so we talked through Skype. We usually will talk about anything freely but this time i was very nervous. so i told her i like boys. i couldn't believe what i heard next-she said she knew since the very beginning and that she always knew. i felt like being struck by lightning. perhaps my straight-act doesn't work for her. I think she has this special gift of understanding people. truly amazing. she was extremely acceptance and understanding and she was completely ok with me being me.  couldn't asked for a better response.

no more elephant on my shoulder, so i can raise my head, look up and see the beautiful sky above me. i am kidding- it's raining now so i cant really see the sky. but i will. i believe it.